If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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