hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
