dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
