you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
