I just saw a hot homeless man
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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