U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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