So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
