Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
