The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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