i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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