I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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