I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
