I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
