I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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