Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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