It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
