I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just high enough for therapy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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