Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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