It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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