I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
