This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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