I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
