I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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