happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
