So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
