ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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