the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
