proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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