Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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