I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
