sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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