idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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