oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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