It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
