Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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