and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
