This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
