Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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