Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
