I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
