I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
