WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
