I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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