Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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