girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
