My Higher Power is John Stamos
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
