Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
