just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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