i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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