his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
