I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
