I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
